I carried a heavy burden of guilt for struggling to connect with this precious blessing growing inside me. But the reality is trauma changes our response even in the greatest seasons of life.

Trigger Warning: This entry contains a specific person’s experiences with sexual abuse. This may be triggering to readers with similar experiences. Discretion is advised.

Parenthood is an incredible journey that comes with its fair share of fears and anxieties. We all worry about how we'll raise our children and what the future holds for them. Those different scenarios and thoughts have filled all of our minds at one point or another. I can honestly say those thoughts have consumed my mind many times prior to even having a child. Once I was a young adult I had no desire to have a daughter. I always said that I wouldn’t do well with a girl, especially if she was anything like me. The fear of raising a daughter of my own was deeply rooted in the traumatic experiences in my past but thankfully all those thoughts were only hypotheticals… until they weren’t.

I always wanted to have a Gender Reveal party, so I was excited to plan it when I got pregnant. We opened a box filled with mystery balloons in front of our family and closest friends. My husband and I opened that box and my fear became my reality… The balloons were pink. I was so sure I was having a boy and wouldn’t have to face my worries surrounding raising a daughter. Well—I was now aware I was growing a baby girl and became terrified. I did my best to put on a brave/excited face in that moment but in reality, I was filled with anxiety.

You are probably wondering why having a daughter was so terrifying to me… Heartbreakingly enough by age 20, I had been sexually abused multiple times. Despite growing up in a loving and faith filled home, I was unprepared for the harsh reality that some wolves really do hide in sheep’s clothing. Throughout my freshman year of high school at age 14 I was groomed and assaulted multiple times by an older male student, at 19 starting my second year of college a friend forced himself on me in his dorm room while under the influence, and a month after turning 20 while completing my Walt Disney internship a man I had previously went out on a few dates with raped me after I explained I wouldn’t be able to see him anymore since I’d be moving home soon. Each separate experience left a mark on my life, shattering my sense of self and creating a cycle of pain and self-destruction that continued for a decade. I lived with a false narrative about myself that lead to periodic heavy drinking and drug use. From 14 till I was 24 years old I struggled to find healthy relationships, not only in men but friendships too. Trauma has a way of lingering and manifesting in our lives differently as the years go on. Through extensive therapy and prayer over the years, my life turned towards healing and acceptance which led me to the beautiful life and healthy marriage I have today.

While I imagined my daughter, I also imagined all the terrifying possibilities that could happen to her. I was afraid of her experiencing an ounce of the pain I felt at such a young, impressionable age. It was a fear that really consumed my mind and I was having a hard time getting excited about her. How was I going to be a good mother to her if I couldn’t even protect myself? I played different scenarios out over and over trying to plan how I would respond or what would I do if xyz happened… But nothing was making me feel at peace about it. The fear of knowing that I grew up with amazing, involved parents that still couldn’t keep things from happening to me made me so afraid of knowing I had no clear way to protect her. I carried a heavy burden of guilt for struggling to connect with this precious blessing growing inside me. But the reality is trauma changes our response even in the greatest seasons of life. Even in the healing I have found, I still have triggers and moments of weakness. Rightfully so! No shame in it, but it’s hard to implement that truth when you are face to face with great fear. Thank God there is a light at the end of the tunnel!

The turning point in this journey came when I went to a women’s event at my local church a few months later. It was called, Flourish. The speaker was a woman in her mid to late 30s who had been a missionary in countries around Asia targeting children and women in sex trafficking. She later returned to the States to become a trauma counselor to continue helping women in our country dealing with sexual trauma. Her message was so moving and it really tugged at my heart. I felt strongly that I needed to talk to her about these different thoughts and fears I’d been having surrounding my daughter’s future. While talking with her she said something that shifted my perspective almost immediately. She said, “We of course aren’t wishing for her (my daughter) to endure any of those things but don’t you think that if something similar happened to her that you would be the perfect person to help her through it?”

That question stirred in my heart for weeks. Every time I thought about it, it brought me peace. As that peace washed over me time and time again I began to accept my role. I began to see the picture of myself as a mother of a daughter through a different lens. I started to realize that this little baby girl growing inside of me needed me. I was hand-picked for her and this was no accident. She didn’t need the woman I wished I could be but rather the woman with a raw and honest past, willing to do the necessary work to overcome her own challenges. I realized that she doesn’t need the idealized version of myself but rather the imperfect yet resilient person I had become. It was through my own experiences and the lessons I have learned that I can provide guidance and support for my daughter. How I will share these things in the future with her, I still don’t know and I have lots of time but I know the truth is powerful.

As my pregnancy went on my excitement grew. Gradually the fears started to drown out with the anticipation of who this little girl was going to be and what she’d look like. I finally could talk to her (the bump) without a flood of panic. Pregnancy actually started to finally feel magical. I started to sense her emotions and felt her kicks with more intention. It’s a wild thing to feel like you know your baby in a deep way but also feel like complete strangers. But getting the chance to explore and imagine them is one of the coolest parts of becoming a mom in my eyes. As birth approached I couldn’t imagine having a son anymore. She was it! She was all I knew and all I wanted. It felt so good to finally accept this and genuinely feel excited.

The reality is I cannot control what may happen in my daughter’s life. No matter how hard I try I cannot control what activities she enjoys, what types of people she connects with, or who she falls in love with but as her mother I have been given the gift of influence. Just as we want to avoid bad influences in our own lives— we want to lean into the good ones. My goal with my future relationship with my daughter is to always be a good influence that will lead her in the direction of safe, kind, loving, and good-hearted people to surround herself with. I want to fill her with self-respect, self-control, and a whole lot of love. If I can help equip her with the tools to be smarter than I was so that she has more of an understanding of manipulation and trust, I will. But if she, God forbid, ended up in one of these scary, evil situations— she can always find shelter in me.

I cannot live my life in fear or anticipating the bad but I rather can spend my days strengthening my home, my relationship with my daughter, and her future friends. I can stay involved and be a consistent source of emotional support. Fear only steals our time and headspace away from being present. As mamas, we need to realize that we were chosen to be our child’s mom and that wasn’t a mistake or a coincidence. No one is better suited than we are, wild as it may seem some days. I am grateful that God knows our needs better than we do because this understanding of my role as a mom wouldn’t have become so clear without facing this piece of my trauma. I genuinely believe I am a better mom because of her.

Even though it is more comfortable for me to keep these events to myself and not talk about the emotions I faced during my pregnancy, I feel like I would be doing a disservice to any mamas out there that may have similar trauma or intrusive thoughts. If the statistics they share are true that 1 in 4 women have been sexually assaulted by age 22, then I want them to be encouraged by this. To the other mamas out there with fears or anxieties that something you’ve endured or suffered from is going to happen to your little one, remember you have been chosen for this child. God saw you even with the scars or open wounds and still selected you. You can shine a light on their path to help them avoid falling. There is no guarantee they will not still fall, but you will be there to pick them back up. It’s okay to worry— it’s human nature but we must rise above and remember we are called and equipped for this role.

If you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted, help is available.

National Sexual Assault Hotline: 800-656-HOPE (4673) or visit https://www.rainn.org/resources

Helping Survivors: https://helpingsurvivors.org/