I Didn’t Recognize Myself: The Fourth Trimester
I’d never experienced a greater high of giving birth only for it to be followed by a crash of all-consuming emotions — fear and regret — in just 48 hours. How was it possible to feel this way when I had dreamed about these moments for so long?
TRANSPARENTLY MOM CREATOR…
MELANIE
I gave birth on a Thursday morning and we got home the next evening. I couldn’t wait to get home since my postpartum room at the hospital was crammed. The nurses were in and out constantly since I had an infection during delivery so they were pumping me full of antibiotics the whole time. We got zero sleep and were just ready to get home and start our new life as parents! I spent most of my time in my pregnancy preparing myself for birth and determining a sleep program to implement while I had the emotional and physical energy to do the research. I only learned briefly about baby blues and ppd but I didn’t really know about what really can go on during the healing process.
If you google “Postpartum Recovery Timeline” you get some of these bullet points just for Week 1 PP —
Breast Changes (Nipple Pain, Leaking Breasts)
General Body Recovery
Mood Swings (Baby Blues)
C-Section Recovery (Incision Site Healing)
Postpartum Bleeding
Hemorrhoids
Uterine Cramping
Bowel Conditions
Vaginal and Perineum Healing
Urination Pain or Incontinence
Night Sweats
Just one or two of those symptoms alone are difficult to deal with or navigate as a first-time mom but to experience them all at once AND take care of a newborn? Overwhelming is an understatement!
The baby blues hit me hard the night I came home from the hospital. I was weepy about everything. I cried over the dogs having to be crated for longer than normal. I cried over feeling overwhelmed by the reality that I was a mom now. I cried about feeling like I didn’t do enough research to feel confident in all I was doing. I cried about how exhausted I was. I cried about worrying about how many wet and dirty diapers we needed to ensure she was producing. I cried because breastfeeding wasn’t going well at all. I cried because it felt like a never-ending sea of unknowns I was about to face.
Those emotions and thoughts only progressed over the next week. I was on and off so miserable. I would wake up in the morning feeling like I could conquer the day, but by 3pm my confidence had dwindled and I was a puddle of tears and filled with anxiety that the night was coming. This happened every single day. I had called my mom to come stay with us for the week because I couldn’t sleep because my daughter’s noises as she slept gave me so much anxiety I couldn’t stop checking on her. I was terrified of being responsible for her. It felt like a weight I wasn’t strong enough to carry. All the dark or scary scenarios ran through my mind and I couldn’t relax. The moment someone asked me how I was doing, I crumbled. I felt like I was going insane.
If you google “Postpartum Depression Symptoms” here are just a few symptoms they say to watch out for —
Excessive crying for long periods for seemingly no reason
Drastic mood swings that go from calm to irritable frequently
Easily angered or irritated
Exhibiting intense anxiety, worry, and fear that hold her back from performing daily tasks
Expressing feelings of shame, guilt, or hopelessness
Describing feelings of extreme sadness and despair
Not wanting to be alone with the baby
Change in appetite, whether it’s eating too much or too little
Trouble sleeping
It also states that if your Baby Blues linger or intensify then you may be experiencing PPD or PPA and should seek care if it is affecting your daily tasks.
I know my emotional limit from navigating my generalized anxiety disorder since the 5th grade. I reached it within 2 weeks pp. I was freaking my husband out since he didn’t know how to help me cope with all the feelings. So, I called my OB and told them I needed medication. They told me that I was just experiencing the baby blues and that it would most likely subside by 6 weeks pp, but I knew I reached the maximum anxiety I was willing to handle on my own. I wasn’t going to risk it not going away and hitting a breaking point before the 6 week mark. They honored my wishes and started me on antidepressants and within 2 days I felt 80% better and within 2 weeks I wasn’t having panic attacks or really any major anxiety anymore. Don’t ever let someone (even medical professionals) talk you out of getting the help you need when you know yourself better than anyone!
Now being just shy of 10 months pp I feel almost 100% myself. My body still has some issues due to pregnancy that have lingered a lot longer than they should but other than those minor annoyances, I feel great! I have continued to take my medication and have made my way to a manageable, normal place emotionally/mentally. Do I still freak out? Well duh, I’m a new mom and everything borderline scares me for a hot minute, but I can quickly navigate my emotions, understand them and move on. When you are fresh into this new life and struggling to regulate your thoughts and balance taking care of yourself and also this new baby— it can be incredibly hard to see the light out. I get it. I was so frustrated with myself that it wasn’t just simply blissful and that these so called natural instincts, though they were in fact there and functioning, weren’t giving me complete and utter fulfillment.
Now looking back, I’ve realized one of the most beautiful aspects of being a mom is the resilience it fosters. As you navigate the turbulence of postpartum emotions they can often distort your perception of reality. They can make us feel isolated and alone, convincing us that we're the only ones. But in truth, every mom faces her own set of challenges and battles, even if they're not always there for us to see. By recognizing and talking about these emotions, you not only help yourself heal but also help other moms who might be going through similar struggles. It's important to remember that these emotions are just one thread. They may add complexity, but they don't diminish the beauty of the entire picture.
In the storybook of motherhood, the initial chapters of postpartum are just that—chapters. They may be marked by challenges, uncertainties, and a rollercoaster of emotions, but it does not set the course for your entire story. As days turn into weeks, and weeks into months, you'll find your rhythm, your strength, and your unique way of mothering. Embrace the journey, for it is as multifaceted and beautiful as the story that brought you here.
Disclaimer: This article is based on personal experience only, not to be used as medical advice. If you believe you are struggling with your ppd or ppa, consult a medical professional.
