Unfortunately, I cannot find a heartbeat…

The weight of these words made our chests feel as though they might concave.

Unlocking a pain never imagined possible; grief for the life of our baby we couldn’t save.

Not being able to hold your baby right after birth is just an awful feeling. You just feel helpless, and a little like you failed because your body didn’t do what it was supposed to.

As days turn into weeks, and weeks into months, you'll find your rhythm, your strength, and your unique way of mothering.

Every day I felt more disconnected from myself, my son, my reality, and my God. That’s the thing about PPD/PPA…it doesn’t have to fit a mold or “make sense”. It doesn’t have to come from something obvious, it just happens to you without warning, and I felt so much shame for how I felt.

The moment you have the baby, and the parents see them for the first time it is something that you just cannot quite explain.

Now I know that no one meant to be hurtful in any way when they said this, but each time I heard it, it was like a little stab to the heart, while simultaneously making me feel like I was overreacting to the situation. Which ultimately led me to feeling like I shouldn’t talk about or grieve my loss, even making me question at times if I could even call it a loss at all.