Embracing a Different Path: Our Triumph in Adoption
The day we got the phone call we were about to leave to go out of town for the weekend taking 30+ kids from our church to a conference. We were so unprepared and had zero baby gear.
TRANSPARENTLY MOM WELCOMES…
SHELBY M.
My name is Shelby Moore! I’m 27 years old and grew up in Roseville, CA. I moved to Tennessee for college, met my husband, Andrew, and settled down in the tiny town of Selmer, TN. I work in HR for the State of Tennessee and Andrew works for his family’s small business. I’ve always wanted to be a mom and can remember bouncing around as a little girl with my baby cousins on my hip pretending to be their mama. My extended family is huge so I’ve always been around babies and know that the mom life was for me! That dream came true on March 3rd when we got the call that our daughter, Violet, was born! I wanted to share on the topic of adoption because there are a lot of negative stigmas and misinformation surrounding the topic. Adoption is unique in that it’s beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time. I just wanted to share my story to help educate those who may not know a lot about adoption.
I also wanted to outline how the adoption process works to add context.
First step is to get home study approved. You work with a social worker and provide them with a long list of personal documents (marriage license, social security cards, tax return documents, pet immunization records, bank statements, and so much more). You’ll get a background check done. The social worker will come to your house to make sure it’s suitable for a baby and has all of the safety features you’d need (smoke alarm, carbon monoxide alarm, fire extinguisher, etc). The social worker will also contact your employer and numerous personal references. You’ll also be assigned educational resources to compete or classes to attend to prepare you to be an adoptive parent. This process took us 4 months.
Next step is signing up with an agency or consultant. We used Mustard Seed Adoption Consultants. They receive cases from agencies all over the country.
The way our consultants work is that the hopeful adoptive parents create a profile book with photos and tons of information about them and their family. This is what the expectant mom will use to decide which family is the best fit for her. Our profile book was about 20 pages long shared everything from pictures of our dogs and places we’ve traveled to family traditions and hopes for the future. Our birth mom told us that she was drawn to us because of our pictures with our two year old niece and how happy and comfortable she looked with us.
When cases come in, the consultants send out the information to all active clients. This is information like due date, race, gender (if known), costs associated with the case, medical history for the mother (if known) and sometimes a photo of the mother. Clients can choose to present their profile book to that expectant mom. Usually you’ll hear back “no” tons of times before you finally get a “yes!”
Once and expectant mom chooses your family to match with, there is typically communication between the hopeful adoptive parents and the expectant mom either directly or through the agency. Depending on how long you hear is until the baby’s due date, there could be in person visits, ultrasounds, etc. It all just depends on what the expectant mom is comfortable with.
TM: What led you to consider adoption as a way to build your family?
Andrew and I have been married for 6 years and battled infertility for about 3.5 years. After tons of tests and procedures, the doctors let us know that the only way we could get pregnant is by doing IVF and that there was a 50% chance of any children we had through IVF having genetic problems. We weren’t comfortable with that, so we shifted our focus and started the adoption process! Adoption and foster care has always had a special place in my heart and we always envisioned them as a way to expand our family, we just figured biological children would come first. God really showed us not to try to take the reins, but to follow His plan for our lives.
TM: Can you share about your adoption journey? What were the most memorable moments?
Our adoption journey has been a wild ride! As most people know, the adoption process typically takes a loooong time. It’s not uncommon for families to wait 3+ years before they’re matched with an expectant mom. God definitely expedited our timeline because after officially being home study approved in November 2022, we went live with our adoption consultant (@mustardseedadoptionconsultants) on January 19th. We matched with our daughter’s birth mom on February 23rd, and 8 days later Violet was born March 3rd!
One of my favorite moments during the process happened the weekend that we matched with our daughter’s birth mom. The day we got the phone call we were about to leave to go out of town for the weekend taking 30+ kids from our church to a conference. We were so unprepared and had zero baby gear. Our family and friends really came through for us and when we came home from our trip we were surprised to see our house and front porch filled with a bassinet, changing table, diapers, TONS of clothes, diaper bag, etc. We literally didn’t have to buy anything! We have such a good community that really took the stress off of us during that time and continued to show up for us in really special ways throughout the whole process.
TM: How did you prepare yourselves emotionally and practically for the adoption process?
During the home study process, we worked closely with a social worker who did training with us and assigned us books and articles to read about adoption. Andrew and I had “homework” questions to work through both individually and together. All of these things helped us think about the parts of adoption that we hadn’t considered before and gave us the opportunity to talk through how we would handle different situations when they come up. Things like relationships with birth families, the unique challenges of transracial adoption, how we would talk to our child about adoption, etc. This was super helpful to do on the front end instead of addressing these situations that are unique to adoption in the moment.
On the more practical end, we saved as much money as possible! Haha. As I mentioned in another question, we didn’t have any baby gear so we were very unprepared in that sense. We knew that the adoption process typically takes years, so we didn’t want to buy a bunch of baby stuff that we’d have to look at every day for years because that can be depressing. We assumed once we matched we would have a few months (or at least weeks) to get everything together, but nope - 8 days!
TM: What were some of the biggest challenges you faced during the adoption process, and how did you overcome them?
Our biggest challenge throughout the process was definitely having no control over anything. There is so much unknown with adoption (Will an expectant mom like us? When will we match? Where will our baby be born? When will our baby be born? Will our baby be healthy? What will our birth mom be like? How involved will she want to be in our child’s life? Etc. etc. etc.). I’m a very type A person and usually have control over everything around me so this was especially hard for me to get past. Eventually we were able to look back on our infertility journey and see all the things that God did in our lives to prepare us for adopting on his timeline. While we were stressing about negative pregnancy tests He was working in the background. We had promotions at work, bought our dream property, started building our forever home, and so much more. All things that wouldn’t have happened if we had gotten pregnant when we wanted to. Recognizing those types of things made it so much easier to give up control and go with the flow. We knew wherever God sent us would be better than we could have planned ourselves and we were so right!!
TM: What support systems or resources did you find helpful during the adoption process?
Our social worker and adoption consultants were both amazing resources who we learned so much from. Our adoption consultants have a private Facebook group for all current and former clients. Scrolling through posts on there was so helpful seeing people with similar situations and how they handled those situations. Our consultants also have a monthly Q&A zoom call for current and former clients to help educate the waiting or recently matched families on what is to come.
Of course our family was a huge support during infertility and the waiting period of the adoption process. They would check in every now and then about how everything was going, but they gave us the space to update them when we actually had something new to share. It can be really disheartening when people know you’re trying to get pregnant and ask every month if you’re pregnant yet. Same thing with adoption - asking if we’ve matched with an expectant mom every week gets a little depressing when the answer is “no” every time.
TM: Describe the moment you and your husband met your daughter. What was that moment like for you both?
Our daughter was due March 10th but decided to come a little early on March 3rd. It just so happens that my husband and I had flown to Florida March 2nd with plans to meet our daughter’s birth mom in person for the first time on the 3rd. We were getting ready for our visit when we got a call that she had gone into labor! She was born that afternoon and we were able to meet our daughter and her birth mom at the same time the next day. I remember crying a lot - especially watching my husband hold our daughter. Everything felt so right and we were instantly connected to our girl.
TM: How has becoming an adoptive parent changed your perspective on parenthood or your understanding of family?
Becoming an adoptive parent has really opened my eyes to the fact that families all look so different and that’s ok! Studies have been done that show adoptive parents have the same emotional process with their babies as a parent who has biological children. The love grows the same way. I just thought that was so interesting and kind of validated me as being a “real” parent as an adoptive parent.
TM: How do you think in the future you want to approach conversations about adoption with your daughter? How do you want to address her questions or curiosity about her birth family?
We want our daughter to have always known about her adoption story (as much as is age appropriate). We have children’s books about open adoption that will help her understand the concept of adoption and we plan to talk about her adoption regularly. We don’t want there to be one specific day that she finds out she was adopted, we want it to be a normal part of her story.
We have some contact with her birth mom now and hope that Violet and her birth mom will have a relationship as she grows up. Open adoption is definitely a unique situation, and one that a lot of people don’t know much about. Studies show that it’s better for all parties involved (Violet, her birth mom, and us as the adoptive parents) if there is communication and a relationship built between the adoptive family and birth family. That doesn’t mean it will be easy or that it won’t be awkward at times, but it’s worth the effort.
The most important thing is that my daughter will know that every piece of her story stems from love. Her birth mom loved her so much that she wanted her to have a better life than what she was able to give her at the time. She was selfless and put Violet’s needs ahead of her own desires. Of course we, as her adoptive parents, love her so much and want to give her the world. The fact that she was adopted just means that she has even more people in her life who love her and will love her for her entire life. That’s one of the most beautiful parts of adoption.
TM: What advice or insights would you share with others considering adoption or currently in the process?
If adoption is something that God has put on your heart I highly encourage you to pursue it. It is so worth it in the end. The waiting period is HARD, especially seeing friends and family members get pregnant right and left. Take care of yourself and don’t feel like you have to go to every baby shower and gender reveal if it’s too difficult. Just remember that God’s timeline is perfect and better than any timeline we could make ourselves.
I highly recommend Mustard Seed Adoption Consultants if you are just starting the process. They’re amazing and will always point you back to Jesus!
TM: Thank you Shelby for giving all of us a glimpse into your family’s story! So touching and beautiful. Your little girl is lucky to have you as her mama.
If you have any questions for Shelby or want additional information, please leave a comment below.
Disclaimer: This is a personal experience only. Please contact an adoption agency of your choosing to find out more information about your specific situation.
