The Emotions Behind the Juggling Act: Working Mom Guilt
The weight of the guilt of hiring a sitter for a date night when your child is already in the care of others most of the week coupled with the pressure to "fill your own cup" while maintaining a healthy marriage in order to show up as the best parent you can, is a tremendous weight on our shoulders.
TRANSPARENTLY MOM WELCOMES…
JULIA S.
My name is Julia. I just turned 30 and I am originally from the San Diego area but moved up to NorCal about 4 years ago to be closer to my husband's family. Currently, I work full-time as an engineer at a construction company, and my husband and I have one child, an 8 month old baby boy named Luka. Becoming a mom has changed me in the way that I do not have to seek out extraordinary things to bring me great joy anymore, as I simply have an abundance of joy in this tiny package of a human being that is my own son. The ordinary, everyday things in life though (cooking, cleaning, getting to work and other places on time) are like playing a video game on a difficulty level: HIGH! Just as with video games, you eventually learn to master one level, and then the next level brings new challenges that you must figure out. However, I do all of it gladly in exchange for the love and joy that being a mom to my son brings me. He is a little light that brightens up our lives tremendously, and I live to see his smile and hear his laughter. There truly is no greater joy and I treasure every minute with him.
TM: What is your childcare situation like while you're at work?
A hodgepodge of caregivers: My MIL 2 days a week, my aunt 1 day a week, and currently daycare 2 days a week. We are actually just about to hire a nanny and take him out of daycare. We are very grateful to have family that watches him most of the week for free. It is a huge blessing!
TM: When and how did working mom guilt first start affecting you?
The first couple of months back to work were mostly a blur of sleep deprivation and just trying to get back into the groove at work. When my baby got to be around 5-6 months and really came more alive and was just so much fun, I really started feeling so much sadness for having to be away from him the majority of the week during the day. Also knowing that I would never get that time back when he was so little, fun, and needed me so deeply. It was (is) a very depressing reality for me most days. Though financially there really aren’t many other options — I am the "breadwinner" of the family — I still feel guilty for not trying to come up with some other magical plan or planning my career differently, never knowing how this feeling would truly cut into my soul.
TM: Do you feel like there is a main source to where your guilt stems from?
It’s mostly an internal struggle. I know that my husband wishes he was in a position to be the sole provider for a while, but he makes quite a bit less than I do and also has a significant amount more debt than I do.
TM: Do you find that social media plays into the guilt?
Not usually. Only when I see the media messages where other women are making it seem * so simple* to just quit their job and be a SAHM. Like they don't see how any mom couldn't figure out a way to make it work financially and be so selfish as to keep working while their kids are young; I see those from time to time.
TM: When you start feeling guilty and the negative thoughts start, how do you cope and overcome those emotions?
I struggle with this. Most of the time, I don't overcome them, I just have to move on to another thought. I start obsessing over new ideas for how to make money without having to be away from my son, but none of them seem feasible yet. The only thought I keep telling myself is that having my income now will be able to provide for my son's future.
TM: Has this guilt affected your marriage in any way?
There is definitely a desire to make my husband realize how much I am doing and how we are definitely not equal partners right now, but I think that most moms feel that way. Another "sacrifice" that working moms make, in my case very willingly, is things such as date nights, nights out, etc. The weight of the guilt of hiring a sitter for a date night when your child is already in the care of others most of the week while you work is significant. That coupled with the pressure to "fill your own cup" and maintain a healthy marriage in order to show up as the best parent you can, is a tremendous weight on our shoulders. Most of the time, I prefer to opt out of the date night or outings in order to maximize the time with my son, but I know that this has the potential to affect my marriage.
TM: Have you ever come across a situation when someone judged or criticized you for being a working mom? If so, how did you handle that?
Yes. My MIL, during my pregnancy, definitely made her opinion about me continuing to work full-time known. When these comments arose, I would try to gently explain to her that yes, maybe I could have tried to marry a man based on his financial ability to support both of us, but I wanted to marry her son. This usually dispelled further comments for the time being. She eventually learned to understand that our situation wasn't and isn't the same as hers was while she was raising kids and I cannot simply quit my career given our financial situation.
TM: How do you appreciate the quality time you spend with your son, despite the challenges and occasional guilt of being a working mom?
Just by giving him my full attention as much as possible, or finding ways to incorporate him into the tasks I need to get done. He's at the stage where most things can be entertaining to him, so he'll gladly chase me around while I vacuum, or bang on pots and pans while I cook dinner.
TM: What is one affirmation you remind yourself of when faced with your guilt?
I remind myself that there are many other mothers in this same position and I am not alone in this feeling. I will make this benefit my son's future.
TM: What advice would you give someone starting to experience working mom guilt?
My advice would be to see how you could possibly be creative to get more time with your babies. And just breathe easy— you are not alone in these feelings of guilt. They can really be so so painful.
TM: Thank you Julia for your transparency on this topic. We really appreciate your willingness to open up about what you’re walking through and how tough it can be to navigate this season.
CONCLUDING THOUGHTS FROM TRANSPARENTLY MOM
To all the working mamas out there struggling with guilt, hear this: You are not any less of a mama for working while raising little ones. Whether you work part-time or full-time, your worth as a mother remains the same. It's not about how much time you spend at home— it's about being present, reliable, emotionally available, and prioritizing your littles. We will all make mistakes and fall short, but what truly matters is the love and sacrifice we pour into motherhood. Remember to be kind to yourself and take time to recharge. As the saying goes, we can't pour from an empty cup. As mamas, it's easy to forget about our own needs and put ourselves last, but being a rundown and mediocre version of ourselves benefits no one. Each mama has her unique way of showing love and creating a fulfilling life for her babies. Whether you're driven by your career or working to provide a certain lifestyle, your love shines through in your own way. Families come in all shapes and sizes, and as mamas, we should support and uplift one another. There's no one-size-fits-all approach to motherhood. Being a stay-at-home mom isn't the only path to loving your kiddos to the fullest. Relationships between mothers and their kids are shaped by much more than just the early years. Remember, creating a loving home requires effort and intentionality, whether you're there 24/7 or not. If you're feeling overwhelmed or struggling, please reach out to your support system. Communicate with them— if that’d be your spouse, co-parent, partner, or family member to find ways to alleviate that stress. It's important to have open and honest conversations about your needs and expectations. Seasons come and go, and this challenging phase won't last forever. As Julia said, you are not alone in this journey. Embrace the unique love and life you bring to your littles. Your efforts plus TLC makes you a great mama, regardless of whether you're home or pursuing your career. Keep shining and know that you are cherished.
Disclaimer: This article is based on personal experience only, not to be used as medical advice. If you are struggling with your mental health, consult a medical professional.
