A Journey of Caring for Hearts + Minds: Raising Kids with Mental Illness
There was no sense of urgency or serious concerns coming from the physician which only made me feel that I had blown this out of proportion and in the moment started questioning my own experience.
TRANSPARENTLY MOM WELCOMES…
PAMELA G.
Hello! My name is Pam Garcia. I’m 60 years old and married my husband 39 years ago this December. I’m a mother of three adult children. I live in Northern California near both of my adult daughters who are married and each had their first child in the past six months. I’m a very happy Grandma with a seven month old granddaughter and a six month old grandson. My eldest is my son who is single and currently living in Japan. I work full-time for Sutter Health at one of their medical facilities.
Being a mom is the greatest joy of my life. I remember how excited I was to finally start a family after finishing my bachelor’s degree at the age of 26. I had been married 4 years when we started trying and was blessed six weeks later to find out I was pregnant. I was overjoyed to give birth to our son, Nathaniel in June of 1989. I was in awe of this incredible gift God had entrusted to me. Due to the nature of our son’s colic, lack of sleep, active and energetic temperament, along with an inability to sustain focus and needing my full attention, it was 4 years later in 1993 when our first daughter, Danielle was born. I was just as in awe of this little bundle of joy and yet had a totally different experience with my daughter who slept well, was easy going and could sustain focus and play independently. Excited to expand our family again, two and a half years later in 1995, I gave birth to a sweet baby girl, Melanie. She too was a good sleeper, outgoing, played with her siblings and liked to cuddle.
It was an amazing feeling to have your heart and home completely wrapped around these three little lives and to share a unique and deep bond of love with each of them. Learning to meet their individual needs and give them quality time would prove to be a very significant challenge. Beyond that, adding a diagnosis of ADHD for my son at the age of 10 then later into his young adult years receiving a Panic Disorder diagnosis. My youngest daughter was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder at the age of 8 which all these things would add new layers of struggles for me to address and work through. As moms we are spread thin, emotionally depleted, and physically tired yet needing to be strong, adaptable and have enough energy to care for them each day. As mothers, we have our own personal struggles to address and mine was a diagnosis of Generalized Anxiety Disorder with ADD symptoms (being easily distracted, lack of focus or hyper focusing and failing to complete tasks.) I was swimming upstream against my own weaknesses trying to be a good mom. My diagnosis came after my sons in 2001. Watching his struggles with ADHD, gave me a window into my own world.
TM: What did mental health mean to you as a young mom in the early 90s? Were you familiar with mental illness?
I became a mom in the summer of 1989 and knew little to nothing about mental health. It just wasn’t talked about or acknowledged as something the average person dealt with. Overall, mental health was categorically seen as something more rare and severe that could lead to being institutionalized. I think of conditions like schizophrenia or multiple personality disorder or serious birth defects that resulted in these mental deficiencies. In addition, I think my religious upbringing only reinforced this feeling that only people with serious disorders or problems would seek out the help of a psychiatrist or a therapist. I had no real understanding of the types of mental illness or the varying degrees to which it impacted people’s daily lives. I had no clue that anxiety was a mental health issue. I thought it was an emotion you worked through and “got over” till the next time you felt stressed out about something. I certainly couldn’t connect the dots in that season of my life to what had been affecting me and would go on to affect some of my children.
TM: When did you know it was time to take your son to the doctor?
There wasn’t an event that happened that made us take our son to the doctor. It took many years of feeling desperate and frustrated at our own attempts to help our son. We didn’t know this could be treated/managed because we didn’t know it was a mental health problem. It was a difficult struggle to find resources when you don’t have a name for why your son is struggling so much. With a first-born child there is so much you don’t know about what is “normal”. When you tell people your struggle they just come back with responses like, “Sounds like he’s a strong-willed child.” with simple solutions like, “You just need to discipline him more.” So how much discipline or consistency would this take to fix the problem? The answer is you can’t fix ADHD or any other mental health diagnosis. All you can do is manage symptoms and try to find a lifestyle and learning structure that supports the child and nourishes success. When people offer solutions without being informed it sets us up to feel like we should be able to make the “problem go away” if we try hard enough. It puts an impossible burden on the parent and creates feelings of failure.
TM: What emotions were you feeling after hearing the doctor’s diagnosis? Did it change your parenting?
It was an emotional roller coaster for me. I thought for sure he’d come back with a compelling diagnosis. The diagnosis was based on a questionnaire that our son completed, and that I and his 5th grade teacher completed. At our appointment to discuss the diagnosis, his primary care doctor stated, “Your son has great self-esteem based on his answers and was on the lower spectrum of the scale for ADHD.” I was shocked. There was no sense of urgency or serious concerns coming from the physician which only made me feel that I had blown this out of proportion and in the moment started questioning my own experience. I proceeded at that point to review his daily struggles with focus, organization, impulse and attention issues and recounted how all his teachers down through the years would call me or send home notes concerned about these same issues and how it was disruptive to his class. I’m glad he heard my desperation and was willing to refer us to a psychiatrist which brought some relief. In order to see a psychiatrist, I was required to attend a parenting class discussing medications for ADHD which was very helpful and yet overwhelming not understanding anything about these so-called, “scary meds”, named psychotropic drugs. I continued to feel very alone in this battle to help my son. My husband supported me in investigating all of this and pursuing a diagnosis but he never got involved on the level of educating himself and understanding ADHD.
I’m not sure that it changed my parenting per se, but it certainly made me more vigilant to address the things my children were experiencing and to seek out resources, and support much sooner. It also helped me to trust my own instincts and to act on those.
TM: Did you feel more aware with your next children?
Yes, most definitely. Having dealt with our son’s issues, it certainly raised our awareness and watchfulness for signs of difficulty that our other children may be experiencing at home or in school.
TM: How did anxiety manifest differently with your other children?
With our youngest daughter, (who was six and half years younger than our son), had night terrors as a toddler and by early grade school began to feel and express fears about flooding when she’d see it rain. She also had fears when she was away from us that her dad and I were going to die and began to have physical symptoms when she was anxious. Those symptoms would manifest in being unable to fall asleep or go back to sleep, her body would tingle all over and her legs would shake. We bought her a kitten so she would have a buddy to sleep with at night which relieved most of her bedtime distress. I took her to see her doctor and a psychologist for an evaluation in the 5th grade. She was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. It wasn’t until after she graduated high school and had a painful breakup with her first boyfriend that she was prescribed medication for her anxiety.
Unfortunately, our son’s anxiety was completely masked by his attention deficit disorder and we did not know till much later that he too struggled with feelings of anxiety. His fear of the dark seemed like a normal childhood experience but continued into his early teens. He was afraid our house would be broken into and he would put a knife under his mattress or keep his bat by the bed. He would come into our room at night and want to sleep next to my side of the bed on the floor. Sometimes fears that children have can seem “normal” but if they persist or interfere with sleep, school or relationships, it’s important to get them evaluated. Our middle child did not display signs of anxiety or ADD growing up.
TM: Did you notice big differences in your kid’s anxiety as they were teenagers?
My daughter’s anxiety did change as she entered junior high and high school. Her early feelings in childhood that caused anxiety no longer bothered her. Her anxiety was now triggered by relationships with her peers. She obsessed over the way she was being treated by her “so called” friends and at times didn’t want to attend school to avoid these painful encounters. Her anxiety of how others might handle sensitive information kept her from telling us as her parents and her closest friends about the trauma and abuse she suffered in high school by a male student. She suffered with intense feelings of fear that something bad was going to happen to her again. She would feel very anxious gassing up her car if she was alone or walking home from school by herself especially if she saw a group of guys walking towards her or a man driving to slow or a male who looked at her too long.
TM: Was there ever a time when you felt that some of this was due to something you or your husband were doing?
Absolutely! I felt it was my job as mom to manage my son’s life in a way that could fix the problem so he could settle down, listen and focus and do what had to be completed. At the very least, minimize its effects. If I could just do it right (whatever that was) and be consistent it would all change. You can’t cure mental illness by trying harder. You need layers of help when dealing with how that person’s brain is wired.
TM: How did you take care of yourself while supporting your children through their mental illness? Did you engage in any self-care practices?
Looking back, I realize I wasn’t very intentional about self-care. I struggled to ask for help many times even from my own husband because I was a stay-at-home mom. I think the mindset at the time was “real jobs” were done “outside the home” which is crazy to think about now. I pushed myself too hard many days and even weeks without much needed breaks. I did take small windows to refresh myself. Water is super relaxing to me, so I would take baths some evenings just to be alone and unwind with candles burning, bubbles, or scented bath salts. I’d read a magazine, or a book and many times even dozed off. As a social person, I made plans to hang out with my friends. We’d try to meet away from the house on an evening but more times than not we’d just hang out together at a park during the day so the kids could play. It was essential for personal sanity to spend time with other adults!
I would attend church weekly and make plans to attend our annual women’s retreat to refill my spiritual tank. I had the luxury of having my parents in town, which gave me opportunities to get out of the house and drop the kids off. I should have used those opportunities as purely ME time, but I usually ended up focusing on completing tasks that were easier to address without the kids. ME time must be relaxing, refreshing and simple. As simple as picking up your favorite drink and listening to music or laying down a blanket on the ground to enjoy a good book, shopping at your favorite store, getting a mani-pedi or having lunch with a friend! If I were getting a do over, I would prioritize and schedule ME time every week just like any other appointment or weekly task and get creative about how to fit that in. If we fill our cups first, then we have something to pour into our kids and family.
TM: How did you maintain hope and resilience during the difficult moments?
It’s odd to say this, but I didn’t associate the term mental illness with my son and daughter’s diagnosis. I just internalized their diagnosis as something to manage and live with. Managing my son’s symptoms was difficult because of my own anxiety and ADD. I felt discouraged about my ability to regulate my son’s life. His issues with ADHD required daily management and I struggled deeply to provide him with structure, boundaries and consistency. My daughter’s anxiety was more sporadic, and her symptoms required that I provide her with emotional support, by listening with empathy and comforting her. Thankfully, I was able to give her the support she needed and allowed her to tell me what she needed to feel better.
A huge source of hope came through educating myself about their diagnosis and knowing from my own experience that medication can be a great way to manage symptoms so you can function at a higher level. My faith in God was also very important in centering me with the knowledge that I’m not alone in this struggle and I could express my feelings through prayer and trust God’s guidance to help me. It’s not an easy journey, but it is much easier when you educate yourself and share your struggles with others so that you too can be supported. I found real strength in sharing my struggle with selecting friends or family members I knew would listen to understand, validate my feelings, and extend empathy and encouragement.
TM: What advice would you give to a young mom of a child with anxiety or mental illness?
My advice to a young mom would be first and foremost to trust your own instincts. No one knows your child better than you do. If something feels wrong or you see a concerning pattern of behavior, then begin a dialogue with their doctor. Early detection is important. If you don’t feel validated in your concerns, seek out another physician for a second opinion and begin to gather resources online and search out the symptoms your child is experiencing. Be your child’s best advocate. Doctors are human and make mistakes. Find a physician that will partner with you.
TM: Thank you Pam for your transparency on this important topic. We really appreciate you opening a window into your life as a mother of three as you navigated mental health struggles— not only your own but also your children’s in a time when society was not as loving, helpful, or accepting of these illnesses. Your kids were lucky to have you in their corner!
If you have more questions for Pam on this topic and her experience, please leave them below in the comments.
CONCLUDING THOUGHTS FROM TRANSPARENTLY MOM
Raising children with mental illnesses is a journey that demands strength, patience, and unwavering love. It is a path that may deviate from the expectations you had, but it is in these moments of change that your true resilience shines through. As a mama, you become their fiercest advocate, seeking the best resources and support to help them thrive. Like Pam said, trust your instincts and don’t be afraid to get a second opinion if need be. Try to always keep your eyes open, be attuned to their needs, watching for cues and signs that can guide you toward the best possible path. Through the challenges, you must learn to be gentle with yourself, recognizing that you too need care and support. Your compassionate heart becomes your kiddos’ refuge in the storms, offering support and understanding when the world may not be so kind. Through it all, you’ll navigate the complexities with love leading the way, reminding your littles that they are seen, heard, and cherished every step of the way. Continue leaning on your support system and just know that you are capable even on the days it doesn’t feel like it. You’ve got this mama!
Disclaimer: This article is based on personal experience only, not to be used as medical advice or diagnosis. If you or your child are struggling with mental health related issues, please consult a medical professional.
